Sh*t That Shouldn't Have Happened...But Did

This one morning with my cousin after getting massively drunk & eating a b*tchload of greasy pizza and garlic bread (thanks Papa Johns!)

we were walking home through the woods and this happened:

'My stomach hurts' - her

'Hurts how?' - me

'Like I have to take a massive dump' - her

'Well, can you hold it?' - me

I look at her and she's doubled over, grimacing. I fight the hellish urge not to laugh.

Then this happened:

(click the pic to view in full craziness)

How do you even sh*t in the shape of a pretzel?? Were you wiggling your ass around all

nimbly-bimbly? Fecking gross. I almost vomited.

Same cousin later that year. We decide it'd be fun to get drunk in the cemetery and hang out. Might I mention it's freezing f*ck cold out? So we're just sitting there chillin' being druuuunk and this happened:
 'Why is my crotch wet?' - Her
'Uhhhh, did you piss yourself or sit in water?' - Me
'Noooooo, JESUS F*CK!!' - Her
'What?' - Me
'I started my period.' - Her
Do you think either one of us had any cotton ponies or harpoons? F*ck No. So:

(click the pic to view in full craziness)

I kid you not, she rinsed them out in a cemetery creek! What if there was some like zombie jizz or juice in there! *GaG* I don't remember if she even put them back on or not or why she didn't just throw them away. *side note: Come to think of it. What would you think if you came across a pair of bloody panties in a cemetery? Sick.

Not to throw my cousin under the bus to many times, (she is my fav. cousin after all), I'll leave you with sh*t that shouldn't have happened to me, but did. It also involves drinking and periods! wHoop-dE-do-Do.  Long night after gulleting looooooootssssa alcohol (had to put a lotta o's and s'es in there to express how much alcohol was consumed, A LOT) The 3 of us (me, friend, and the DD) are driving home. We drop off the other drunk first.

'OMFG I have to piss so f*cking bad!' - drunk me

'So come in real quick and go' - drunk friend

(it's like 3:30am, dark & freezing)

'No I can hold it, I don't wanna move I might throw up' - drunk me

(I'm crossing my legs & squeezing my crotch like it's gonna fall off)

'Get the f*ck outta the car b*tch, let's go!' - drunk me

(DD peels off, few minutes go by)

'Can't you drive faster, man!' - drunk me

'Why didn't you just go when you had the chance?' - DD

(I can't even reply, I'm concentrating on NOT peeing myself)

Then I think, well I am wearing a pad, maybe if I just ease the pressure a little.  Do you know how hard it is to stop a drunken piss flow? I'm sure you do. We pulled up to my door and I waddled out and received this text:

'Did you make it?' - drunk friend

'I pissed my pad.' - pad pee'r

The lesson of the story was going to be don't drink and do f*cked up sh*t, but then I thought, how boring would that be? So now the lesson is, drink and if f*cked up sh*t happens,

Blog about it.