Cool Beans: How to Get Fired From Your J.O.B.!

You can find a metric sh*t ton of articles on how to get a job, how to ~~pimp yourself out for a job~~ keep your job, how to network, blah blah blah..But what if you hate your job? What if you'd rather contract syphilis AND gonorrhea then show up to work another day? What if you suffer from full-blown anxiety attacks during your daily commute? What do you do if the thought of slaving away at your place of employment makes you projectile vomit split pea soup? Here are some surefire ways to get fired from your job*:

When the boss tells you to do something super important right away, yell back, 'I'll get right on that, right after I update my Facebook status!'

Instead of candy on your desk replace it with a bowl of condoms and pamphlets for Planned Parenthood.

Two words. Ass-less chaps.

Send out a mass email of a pic of your genitals or tits. (This may also get you dates, a promotion, and/or a sexual harassment case) A threefor!

Change your voicemail greeting to, 'Hi this is Sandra in accounting, please leave a message after the beep, so I can erase the hell out of it, cause I don't care. Now get off my phone, Goodbye'. Or a combo of various burps and farts. I would say audio of you having sex but then people would never stop calling you. Pervos!

Use the office copier to make copies of your dollar bills and then use those to jam up all the snack machines in the lunch room.

Print out a copy of your resume and change your duties to 'kissing ass, doing other people's jobs because they are too stupid to do them, surfing porn, and masturbating in the bathroom', then leave it there.

Scratch your crotch a lot and mumble...'damn hooker swore she was clean'.

Dress up as The Grim Reaper and stand behind your co-worker without saying anything. Every once in awhile, tap them on the shoulder with your scythe and laugh maniacally.

And my personal favorite, which I have done on numerous occasions. Stay up 'til dick knows what time watching The First 48 because every time a new episode comes on you have to stay up to see who did it. Then when your boss calls to see why you aren't at work, scream, 'The crack made me do it!' into the phone and hang up.