Ya heard! Vol. I

F*cked Up Sh*t My BroNamath seyz:

#1

Me: dad said you were depressed and that I should call you. What the hell

Him: Haha, well I am a little but he is pretty bad off

Me: Ya think, but aren't we all a little depressed?

Him: Yeah but I watched phenomenon and when John Travolta died at the end I got a little weepy like a little girl.

Him: I've said too much

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I couldn't help it

#2

Me: What kind of bed did you get?

Him: A hump-o-matic 3000 w/ optional chicken liver holder

 in the center and a fleshlight holder on the side.

Me: Forget I asked. Gross.

#3

Me: Thanx for kicking me in the clitoris

Him: You're welcome. Love you!

#4

Him: Think I had the flu and almost died.

#5

Him: Got a tattoo ? for you. Brown's helmet on the side of my neck?

Me: Seriously? I will hop in the Audi, drive home and smack the crazy off of you!

Him: I would sooner name my first born Fistfuck Magillacutty.

Best one of the week:

Him: Back from the brink of death.

Me: ?

Him: I couldn't get warm so I got in the shower, thought I was going to vomit and got excited cause my stomach felt really full like the food I ate wasn't going anywhere. Got on all fours in the shower. Then I think I stood up, passed out, fell out of the shower, broke the back of the lid to the toilet, ripped the towel rack off the wall,

hit my ribs on something else, couldn't get up and everytime I tried, I sh*t all over the floor

and I had to call my gf to come help me up.

Me: Jaysus H. Christ in a haystack! Did you go to the ER?

Him: No. I should have though, I didn't pee for like 2 whole days.

The fainting thing was very scary. Did I mention that the whole time, I was crying like I was on the Oprah give away show?