It's another F.Y.M. (cheers and applause)

Welcome to more things I want to say Fuck off too:

Previous version here

*Fuck you to the Audi, who sits dead in the driveway (piece of shit euro-trash whore)

*Fuck you universe for sending me two call backs & then having the car break down

*Fuck you enchilada I just ate for wreaking havoc in my stomach (n'vrmind, problem solved)

*Fuck you bloody harpoons, I mean who wants to piss on a string & THEN put it back into your panties??

(Has anyone ever crapped on it, ugh wait, I don't want an answer to that)

*Fuck you to riding a cotton pony, holding a bloody sponge against your genitals? G, thnx.

*Fuck you to my period while I'm at it. The whole process is unnerving.

I think I'm just going to dig a hole out back and squat over that for a week.

*Fuck you to t.v. shows for creating drama in the last 3 minutes of the show and then making me wait a week to find out it was utter bullshit anyways!

*Fuck you to the 'girl' who took my interview survey, bitch...get a new attitude STAT

*Fuck you to my brain for not wanting to work right now

Usually I have a shit ton of stuff to say Fuck you too, but now other stresses are taking precedence so I'm going to leave you lovely people with this fact of knowledge:

If you see me behind you in the passing lane on your ass MOVE THE FUCK OVER!

Dipshit.

Aunt Flo & Sex Offenders...*shakes head*

I haven't dipped in these waters for awhile because I was worried about that whole 'might be infected with a fetus thing' remember? Yeah well guess what?

You can thank me for that image later.  It's Saturday here in shitsville and I'm just sitting here drinking coffee, reading Bicycling mag, watching the tube and wishing that I didn't buy a Glade air freshner that smells really similiar to Raid bug spray.  I'm so close to chucking that thing.  God damn cleansing rain my ass. Smells more like 'Cockroach Killer'.

Annnnnnnnnnnnd I'm back, sorry I had to go and dye the toilet water red. Anybleedingtodeath, I haven't told you all that I have two job interviews. I don't even think I mentioned that I was unemployed. Now you know that I sit on the couch wearing sweats, watching Springer, and shoveling bon-bons in my pie hole all day. (Is Springer even on anymore?)

Job 1: Life Skills Worker

Crap pay

Midnight shift

Basically sit around all night

 I'd be working with habitual sex offenders

ALONE

Job 2: Clerk Typist for a Gov't Agency

Crappier pay

Day shift

Basically sit around all day

I'd be working with the mentally disabled

I need a job and I'd rather not work in 'Uncle Touchy's Puzzle Basement', spank you very much. Okay this post has taken me a shit ton of time to write and it's really boring so Imma wrap it short. Here's a quick story: The 'dude' went to go snow shoeing (ghey) and got the Audi stuck in the snow in the process he pretty much fucked the transmission and not like in he humped it, more like it won't go in reverse anymore. Splendid.

(found here)

And no, I didn't poison his coffee...just felt like I wanted to for awhile. And just for good measure because I want to remind you:

Peace & I'm Audi 5000 G....(only not in reverse, basterd)

PMS or Positive Pregnancy Test?

Yeeeeeeeep, that's me the last few days. I don't even know how the 'dude' hasn't either A. Murdered me, B. Burned me at the stake, or C. Just plain kicked my ass out in the frecking cold. Oh I know why. It's because I'm hawt. Srsly, I'm pretty good looking. It's sad that my cartoon stick figures don't do me justice, but I've been pulled over by the cops for a P.C. If you don't know what that means, I'll help ya out. A P.C. is called a pussy check, means the dudes in blue pulled me over to check me out. (remind me to tell you the story later)

I have been one big azz beeeyotch. Some demon has taken a hold of my insides and decided to camp out. I can't even stand myself. I've eaten my weight in chocolate. Chocolate fudge cupcakes, Reese's peanut butter eggs, twix, and I've taken to hiding pop tarts in my purse...Seriously, what in thee fuck?! How bad is it? The 'dude' has gone hiking twice this weekend. It's 9F degrees out. *deadpan face* Poor guy. I might also mention I did this to him.

Soooo anyalmostcutyourfaceoff, he doesn't hate me (YET) and for that I love him.  I wish Aunt Flo would just arrive so I could get off this roller coaster of hell and so this isn't the case.



Relax, that isn't mine and hopefully won't be. Still have a few days to figure it out. Either the red dam breaks loose or our life breaks loose.  We don't want anymore child of the corns running around 'round here. I highly doubt there's an alien in my womb but it's possible.  *Rant* Why are PMS symptoms and possible pregnancy symptoms almost exactly alike?!!! Are they trying to kill me?  I think as soon as your egg is penetrated, alarm bells, whistles, and lights should go off. !!Warning Warning: You Are Pregnant!! None of this wait weeks bullcripe.

It's got this girl wanting to whip out a magnifying glass and check the toilet paper for traces of blood. I'm like CSI up in there. For realz.

So that's my weekend in a nutshell. Hope you had a good one and it didn't involve pregnancy scares or blood!!!

How to Get Fired From Your J.O.B.!

You can find a metric sh*t ton of articles on how to get a job, how to pimp yourself out for a job keep your job, how to network, blah blah blah..But what if you hate your job? What if you'd rather contract syphilis AND gonorrhea then show up to work another day?  What if you suffer from full-blown anxiety attacks during your daily commute?  What do you do if  the thought of slaving away at your place of employment makes you projectile vomit split pea soup? Here are some surefire ways to get fired from your job*:

When the boss tells you to do something super important right away, yell back, 'I'll get right on that, right after I update my Facebook status!'

Instead of candy on your desk replace it with a bowl of condoms and pamphlets for Planned Parenthood.

Two words. Ass-less chaps.

Send out a mass email of a pic of your genitals or tits. (This may also get you dates, a promotion, and/or a sexual harassment case) A threefor!

Change your voicemail greeting to, 'Hi this is Sandra in accounting, please leave a message after the beep, so I can erase the hell out of it, cause I don't care. Now get off my phone, Goodbye'. Or a combo of various burps and farts. I would say audio of you having sex but then people would never stop calling you. Pervos!

Use the office copier to make copies of your dollar bills and then use those to jam up all the snack machines in the lunch room.

Print out a copy of your resume and change your duties to 'kissing ass, doing other people's jobs because they are too stupid to do them, surfing porn, and masturbating in the bathroom', then leave it there.

Scratch your crotch a lot and mumble...'damn hooker swore she was clean'.

Dress up as The Grim Reaper and stand behind your co-worker without saying anything. Every once in awhile, tap them on the shoulder with your scythe and laugh maniacally.

And my personal favorite, which I have done on numerous occasions. Stay up 'til dick knows what time watching The First 48 because every time a new episode comes on you have to stay up to see who did it.  Then when your boss calls to see why you aren't at work, scream, 'The crack made me do it!' into the phone and hang up.

(click pic to enlarge)

AND

(click pic to enlarge)

*if you used any of these ideas and they worked......You're welcome.

Gotta Say....

Things I'd like to say fuck off too:

*Fuck you to the jerks who take up two parking spots

*Fuck you to sick people who cough/sneeze near me w/out covering their mouth

*Fuck you to our cat who is inconsiderate to our sleeping habits and decides to destroy stuff at 4am

*Fuck you to the retail clerks who ignore me to help someone who interrupts on the phone

*ALSO a big Fuck you to the retail clerks who ignore me to chat up co-workers about things they hate about their job. HOW ABOUT DO YOUR FUCKING JOB!!!!

*Fuck you to the string on my shirt that when pulled, didn't break, just got longer

*Fuck you to the people who will write something borderline mean on facef*ck and then follow it up with a :) face. JUST WRITE WHAT YOU MEAN FUCKER!!!!

*Fuck you to the ragers who beep their horn at me nano seconds after the light turns green

*Fuck you to the person who farts in an elevator before me and then the next person who comes in thinks it was me

*Fuck you to the 'dude' who thinks my tits are stress balls and squeezes them accordingly like it's supposed to turn me on and then gets upset when it doesn't. Are you gonna pop a boner if I squeeze the sh*t outta your balls? Didn't think so fucker.

*Fuck you to the people who love to point out how wrong everyone else is while they are a walking train wreck. LOSER, FUCK YOU!!!

*Fuck you to the people who stop right in the middle of the doorway exit when leaving a store. What the fuck is up with this phenom? Can't you move over to the side and stop? JERK!

*Fuck you to the Amish horse and buggy's leaving your shit all over the roads leaving me to drive through it. I think they should have a clean up after your horse law. Get a huge ass garbage bag and a shovel, motherfucker! Stop being Amish while you're at it.

*Fuck you to the utility companies who raise your rates but start it with 'In order to serve you better..' Here's how you can serve me better..Lower the FUCKING rates assholes! That'd help me.

*Fuck you to the douche bags who text in the movie theater when it's dark so that instead of seeing the screen I have a bright spot in my line of vision.

So that's my piece for Monday...what do you want to say Fuck You too?

I'm a lonely little petunia...

If you will it Dude, it is no dream. ( quoting Walter Sobchak from here). Folks if you haven't seen that movie, DO IT!!!  Swear to Jesus it's f*cking fantastic.  What I'm blathering about is my lack of followers.  Eh, I know Whiney McWhinerson and true that my blog has only been up for a week or so and true that I may not even be remotely funny to others. Who cares!!!!!
I'm one of those instant gratification types, soooo doesn't go over well sometimes.  Quick question while it's on my mind.  Does anyone else when taking showers home alone, randomly yell out 'Hello?' every time they think they hear a noise? 

I don't even know what I'm expecting in return. Or why I do it. Maybe I think that if a serial killer hears my friendly hello he won't murder me.  Makes taking a shower realllllllllly long and by the time I'm done, the floors soaking wet and all the hot water is gone.

One of these days there really is going to be a creeper standing in the hallway staring back at me and then I'll sh*t myself.  Watch horror movies much? Moi? Nah. So does anyone else do this? Anybostonstraggler... 

Back to not having any followers, I was thinking that if I made up a faker profile and followed myself that others would not feel like such a douche for being my first follower,  but that just seemed all kinds of pathetic and I canned that.  Then I thought maybe if I threw some kind of give away that would attract some people, right? Even if they were the type of people who only followed me to get free sh*t. Followers are followers. I quickly realized that's kinda like pimping myself out. Not that I completely object to that idea, but if I did I want to at least want to get paid for it yo.  Azz, cash, or grass ('cept I don't smoke) so maybe a sweet bottle of wine?

Is it totally(ahem, Linda) sad that I liken acquiring a follower to this

(found here)

You like me, you really like me!  But seriously, what did you guys do to obtain followers? Bribes, trickery, make up fake profiles??? Any info. would be greatly acknowledged....and heck I still might even do a give away. (and I promise it's not to get your addresses and stalk you while you're in the shower)



Dont'cha wanna

I'm taking the day off (as I type this it's 1028 in the post meridian)

But! Don't fret....I'll leave you with this:

(found here)

Seriously though, that gags me on about a million different levels...

You're welcome and

don't forget to tip your blogger!

Sh*t That Shouldn't Have Happened...But Did

This one morning with my cousin after getting massively drunk & eating a b*tchload of greasy pizza and garlic bread (thanks Papa Johns!)

we were walking home through the woods and this happened:

'My stomach hurts' - her

'Hurts how?' - me

'Like I have to take a massive dump' - her

'Well, can you hold it?' - me

I look at her and she's doubled over, grimacing. I fight the hellish urge not to laugh.

Then this happened:

(click the pic to view in full craziness)

How do you even sh*t in the shape of a pretzel?? Were you wiggling your ass around all

nimbly-bimbly? Fecking gross. I almost vomited.

Same cousin later that year. We decide it'd be fun to get drunk in the cemetery and hang out. Might I mention it's freezing f*ck cold out? So we're just sitting there chillin' being druuuunk and this happened:
 'Why is my crotch wet?' - Her
'Uhhhh, did you piss yourself or sit in water?' - Me
'Noooooo, JESUS F*CK!!' - Her
'What?' - Me
'I started my period.' - Her
Do you think either one of us had any cotton ponies or harpoons? F*ck No. So:

(click the pic to view in full craziness)

I kid you not, she rinsed them out in a cemetery creek! What if there was some like zombie jizz or juice in there! *GaG* I don't remember if she even put them back on or not or why she didn't just throw them away. *side note: Come to think of it. What would you think if you came across a pair of bloody panties in a cemetery? Sick.

Not to throw my cousin under the bus to many times, (she is my fav. cousin after all), I'll leave you with sh*t that shouldn't have happened to me, but did. It also involves drinking and periods! wHoop-dE-do-Do.  Long night after gulleting looooooootssssa alcohol (had to put a lotta o's and s'es in there to express how much alcohol was consumed, A LOT) The 3 of us (me, friend, and the DD) are driving home. We drop off the other drunk first.

'OMFG I have to piss so f*cking bad!' - drunk me

'So come in real quick and go' - drunk friend

(it's like 3:30am, dark & freezing)

'No I can hold it, I don't wanna move I might throw up' - drunk me

(I'm crossing my legs & squeezing my crotch like it's gonna fall off)

'Get the f*ck outta the car b*tch, let's go!' - drunk me

(DD peels off, few minutes go by)

'Can't you drive faster, man!' - drunk me

'Why didn't you just go when you had the chance?' - DD

(I can't even reply, I'm concentrating on NOT peeing myself)

Then I think, well I am wearing a pad, maybe if I just ease the pressure a little.  Do you know how hard it is to stop a drunken piss flow? I'm sure you do. We pulled up to my door and I waddled out and received this text:

'Did you make it?' - drunk friend

'I pissed my pad.' - pad pee'r

The lesson of the story was going to be don't drink and do f*cked up sh*t, but then I thought, how boring would that be? So now the lesson is, drink and if f*cked up sh*t happens,

Blog about it.

Ya heard! Vol. I

F*cked Up Sh*t My BroNamath seyz:

#1

Me: dad said you were depressed and that I should call you. What the hell

Him: Haha, well I am a little but he is pretty bad off

Me: Ya think, but aren't we all a little depressed?

Him: Yeah but I watched phenomenon and when John Travolta died at the end I got a little weepy like a little girl.

Him: I've said too much

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I couldn't help it

#2

Me: What kind of bed did you get?

Him: A hump-o-matic 3000 w/ optional chicken liver holder

 in the center and a fleshlight holder on the side.

Me: Forget I asked. Gross.

#3

Me: Thanx for kicking me in the clitoris

Him: You're welcome. Love you!

#4

Him: Think I had the flu and almost died.

#5

Him: Got a tattoo ? for you. Brown's helmet on the side of my neck?

Me: Seriously? I will hop in the Audi, drive home and smack the crazy off of you!

Him: I would sooner name my first born Fistfuck Magillacutty.

Best one of the week:

Him: Back from the brink of death.

Me: ?

Him: I couldn't get warm so I got in the shower, thought I was going to vomit and got excited cause my stomach felt really full like the food I ate wasn't going anywhere. Got on all fours in the shower. Then I think I stood up, passed out, fell out of the shower, broke the back of the lid to the toilet, ripped the towel rack off the wall,

hit my ribs on something else, couldn't get up and everytime I tried, I sh*t all over the floor

and I had to call my gf to come help me up.

Me: Jaysus H. Christ in a haystack! Did you go to the ER?

Him: No. I should have though, I didn't pee for like 2 whole days.

The fainting thing was very scary. Did I mention that the whole time, I was crying like I was on the Oprah give away show?

F*ckity F*ck!

This is rad right?

 I'm sitting here thinking about how cool I am and then my phone beeps and I'm brought back to reality here in podunksville.

Email:

'Why can't you post comments on your blog? Just wonderin'.'

Well sh*t the bed...I guess when I edited the HTML to add my signature, I f*cked up and deleted that part.

Thanks Annah Banana @ Her Awesome Blog for pointing out what a spazz I am!

No really, I'm serious. I want comments, in fact I need them to prove to the 'dude' that somewhere out there someone reads my ramblings.  That and I was racking my obviously small brain to come up with a blog post for today.  Bonus! 2 birds w/ 1 stone or something!

Sidenote: (just writing that made me think of this, when they say bush I giggle like a prepubed teenager)



So you should go check her out and leave her some love, I know I totally am (remember say it like Linda), right after I fix this sh*thole of a blog!

Thanks again Annah Banana!

Not Cool Beans

Funny story that happened that other day. Funny as in, I thought I was either gonna die or I was gonna kill the 'dude'. (first two posts and both include me picking beef with him, sign?) Nah..seriously he makes up for it in this one.

So I love coffee, no wait, it loves me...errr we both are in love and gonna get married sometime in the fall, save the date. (it's my season, don't judge) Anychino, I'm not like those Starbuck beeeyotches, I get the real deal whole bean super strong concoct. from a coffee shop. You know the type, one of those artsy fartsy jazz places except since I live in hickville, it's more like a place for young Mennonites to sit, sip, and say, 'hey look at me, I'm super hip AND I milk cows and crap!'

Not me though, I float in there, grab my pound 'o' beans, plunk down the green or slide the debit, and float right back out. (i for real float, so ecstatic I got my fix obviously) I don't even give those hipster wannabe's the satisfaction of a sideways glance 'cause they're not even on my level. Pfffft, posers.

Well the lb. usually lasts me and the 'dude' a whole week, if we don't go overboard. Usually a pot in the morning, maybe a small one for me in the afternoon, and a pot in the evening. We have a schedule down and pat. So I thought. This past week we ran out, on a non scheduled day. Lemme tell ya something about the 'dude', he doesn't like to do things out of schedule. 

L.s.s. One day of not having coffee (not too terrible bad), Two days of not having coffee (migraine from hell kicks in) meanwhile, the 'dude' is acting like sh*t isn't totally f*cked up, Three days of not having coffee and I'm couch ridden (srsly.) He's all what's wrong, think it's sinus?

F*CK NO it's not sinus, I'm dying from caffeine withdrawal!!!!! How are you even functioning?!

His reply, 'I actually don't crave it anymore, I'm thinking about taking a break.'

My reply... 'Oh really, yeah okay it's not so bad anymore'

Reality:

I might add that I'm trying really hard not to reach over and gouge his fracking eyes out with my shaky fingers. I have never lied so bad in my life. If there would have been a boiling lava hot cup of coffee in front of me that very second, I would've injected it straight into my veins.  But whatevs, I'm NOT going to be weaker than he is.

Scene change 10 seconds later...

'What's wrong?'
'Nothing.'
'You're not crying over the coffee are you?'
*rolls eyes dramatically*
'WHAT?!? No I'm totally not.' (you gotta say it like Linda does in Halloween circa 1978 or it doesn't count in my book)

He stares at me. I pull his pillow over my face, smearing my mascara all over it.

In the car 10 minutes later...

'Why are you going this way, don't you have to pick up the boy?'
'We're going to the coffee shop first.'
'Oh. Cool beans.'

Sex Toys

So me and the dude, did the nasty the other 2 days ago and used a few toys. Well apparently someone (him) appointed me to be the cleaner upper, because this was me today after both of us stepping over them and ignoring the lumps in the towel:

Yeah, yeah I know sick right? 2 day old used dongs and stuff laying on our bedroom floor.  To my redemption they were wrapped up in a towel. Hey, what can I say I've been busy lazy.  But ya'll can relax now, I manned, man'd, maned? up (how the hell do you spell that word?) and pressure washed the hell outta 'em.

Next time he's gonna be all like princess in the pea, cuz I'm stuffing them under his side of the mattress.

Take that to the bank, sucka.