I have a confession to make

I have issues. Issues in the bathroom. Issues that I was afraid to tell anyone about.  Before I moved in with the 'dude' I lived alone. I liked living alone. Wanna know why? 


I could crap. In the morning, right after waking up. In the middle of the day, WITH the door open. Pretty much I was a free-range crapper, a care-free crapper if you will. I lived the good life. No pressures. I could take a dump whenever the mood struck.


Now? I'm a handi-crapper. I'm cursed. It used to be it only happened when I went away from home. Like to visit family or stay at the 'dudes' house for the weekend. I can remember racing home on Sunday nights, driving the 97 miles at break neck speed, clenching my butt hole the whole way.  It was like as soon as my bowels knew we were headed home to our crapping sanctuary, it wanted to evacuate immediately. Uhhhhhh...no can do friendo. Can't do gas station restrooms either. Pull over and cop a squat? No way, whorehay.


Picture it. Me, the radio blaring, and my asshole clenched to the death, riding the highway of hell. I'd pull into the driveway at break neck speeds, slam it into park, and turtle walk my crap happy self to the throne. Ah business as usual. Then comes the joy of playing catch up the next couple of days.


So back to me now living with the 'dude'. It's uhh been interesting. I've had to employ various strategies to disguise my poopies. If some of you are unfamiliar, let me help you get familiar.


There are different kinds of shy poopers. Imma break it down. We have the:


Shy Butt: Described as the inability to drop a deuce with anyone else in the house. This also leads to other issues. Such as making me do a:


Shit and Brush: Which is the act of pretending to be brushing your teeth when you are actually dropping brownies.  I have done this act of shame many many times. Usually when there is more than 1 person in the house. This takes a bit of practice to get the flush just right.


Shy Poopie:  Described as, feeling you need to poop but you just sit on the toilet unable to go. Usually happens when I'm being rushed to go somewhere.  Then I get into a panic that I can't go now and will have an episode when I'm out later. Mostly causes constipation.


Flusher: Act of using the noise of the flush to disguise the sounds of crapping. Frequently happens in public restrooms. If you were in the restroom with me, you might hear my toilet flush 2 or 3 times and me quietly saying 'Damn automatic flushers!'. I have also employed this tactic at home. Warning..you can usually only pull off 2 flushes and get away with it here.


This one goes along with the:


Closet Crapper: The ability to only crap when you are in the public restroom alone. Which sometimes, as we all know can lead to some real quality toilet sitting time. I usually pick the last stall in the row. That way I only have to worry about one stall beside me. This can cause serious issues if you run into another Closet Crapper. Then you'll have to revert to being the Flusher or playing 'who can stay in the stall the longest and wait it out.'


So if any of these relate to you, you are NOT alone! Handi-Crappers Unite!


Update: During the writing of this post, I have crapped 3 times. I also timed the shits to him shooting in C.O.D. I guess you could say I'm partly healed or a genius. 


Happy Crapping!
-t.weezy