Aunt Flo and Cousin Red went to Wal*Fart

I know, I already posted once today. Bite me. It's a funny story..at least to me. Cuz if you don't laugh when things like this happen to you....you might literally crack up.

Had to make a trip to the hillbilly Wal*Fart today, ran out of cotton harpoons. How can you run out of those? You're a girl, you need these every month! To my defense, I thought I had an emergency stash in my purse but I deedent.

Hop in car (that we finally got back after 3 weeks and less $3571 in our checking account) wearing a humongous super-sized mattress in my panties.

Get out of the car, adjust the mattress, and walk into the store. Get harpoons, smaller mattresses, and liners. Spend a small fortune on said items. Realize I need to get a few more items. This can be tricky. Why, you might ask? It's day two. I don't know about you fellow menstraters but for me it's:

Major chance of spillage. I should have played it smart and bought the items first, changed, and then shopped but I was in a hurry. Feel me?  So I make my way over to the food section which is like two football fields away.

*drip drip drip*

Speed up, push that cart like it's NASCAR. Also, activity increases blood flow. Bonus! Make my rounds. Remember I need something at the back of the store. Head that way. It starts to pour outside.

*drip drip drip drip*

Try doing a really long kegel. Fail. Get in the checkout. Lady in front of me drops carton of eggs. How ironic. She apologizes, I give her a little smile but secretly death ray her brains out. I'm bleeding to death here, can we put a rush on it?!? She gets her replacement eggs and leaves. I get rung up. Go to push the cart outside.

*drip drip big 'ol jelly blob* (you're welcome for that visual)

Pray it doesn't slide out. Make it to the door. Monsoon outside. I can stay inside and risk throwing clots or make a dash for it and hope nothing tragic happens. I make for the car. Curse myself for parking far away (to get exercise) Make jerk off hand gesture just for amusement. Throw groceries in the back, shove cart in the corral, and go to slide in the drivers seat. I think I might make it. One leg in and

bleeding to death on the inside

-t.Weezy