I flashed Wal*Fart today

Insert SD card.

         Scanning Media for Images....................


BLAM!



What the cuss people? Why does this shit happen to me? Eighty bajillion pics on the SD card and this is the first one that pops up? Yeah. Cool. Lest I remind you dear folk, I live in Amish & Mennonite country. I could have been burned at the stake or a barn raising. Whatev.

Have you ever used one of these machines?  You try and press the cancel button and the little sand timer pops up, it freezes and won't do anything. My pits start to sweat, my mouth goes dry as people start to walk behind me. I cough really loud, jump up, and lean across the computer monitor, laying my arm conspicuously across the offending image. I start jamming my index finger on the cancel button so fucking hard it almost breaks.  I dart my eyes back and forth looking for a god damn power cord. I will shut. this. bitch. down.

I'm pretty for certain that alarm bells and whistles are going to go off and a bunch of guys with walkie-talkies and ear bud thingies are going to start sprinting over to me and take me away like the perv I am.  I contemplate yelling 'THIEF!' at the top of my lungs and pointing in the direction of the old lady that just walked past me thus diverting attention away from my person. What? She probably did steal anyways...little old people are like that.

What feels like eleventy thousand hours later, pictures minus the wang are printed and paid for. Situation lockdown.

Me: Guess what I just did?

Dude: No.

Me: Well it could have made you famous. Well if a porno director happened to be walking by.

Dude: What did you do?

Me: I used the instant photo printer and your wang popped up right on the big 'ol screen.

Dude: You have dick pics on your camera?

Me: Duh! You were there when I took them. Why aren't you laughing? It was hysterical.

Silence. Shifty eyes.

I know what ya'll are thinking. Like you haven't ever taken wang pics? Geesh.